First Chapter Work In Progress…
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First Chapter Work In Progress…
Hey all,
I said a few weeks ago that I’d create a section for writers to put their first chapters of works in progress. I hope this will help new writers to see that it ain’t all perfect, but you work to get to perfect. I’ll start.
This is the first draft of my book, Unconventional, a satirical novel about Black academia. It’s designed to be absurd, cause that’s my brain. It’s written in the first person. Who is the next brave person to upload their first chapter work in progress?
Chapter 1:
Every day, rain or shine, I sat on the worst bench on the UCLA campus.
Concrete, with no ornamentation whatsoever, except for little round nodules designed to enhance its discomfort, the sadists who designed the bench did it because they wanted to make sure the unhoused didn’t use these monstrosities for beds. Because God help us if the unwashed masses might not want to sleep on a cold, wet, grassy terra firma. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m no king, just a mere unheard citizen of this country; I have no power to do anything about it.
So, I sat there despite knowing the dubious nature of its artistic aesthetic, comfort level, and social justice symbolism.
Voluntarily.
Purposefully.
Didn’t do it as an opportunity to have intellectual conversations with my faculty colleagues because, to be truthful, I didn’t care much for my faculty colleagues. Nor did I have much in common with them.
Nor did I sit there to enjoy the Southern California sunshine. Or to watch the beautiful students walk, run, bike, and rollerblade past me. No, I sat there for several reasons. However, the first reason, I’ll admit, makes no sense at all. I sat there because of one building.
Bunche Hall.
Before I explain, let me address a few questions that may be coursing through your mind right now. Why would one stare at a building? Weren’t there other ways to stare at Bunche, ones that didn’t make your ass numb after five minutes?
The grass was right there, available and accessible. There was a wooden bench nearby that no one used except for the pigeons that shit on it. Alternatively, I could have just stood during my lunchtime, which health studies suggest is beneficial for the body. And what made Bunche Hall so damn fascinating in the first place that I made it a point to sit in this particular place? My answer was always the same.
Because.
That’s it.
Because.
In my thirty-five years on this planet, I’d matured to understand that ‘because’ was a viable answer to any question, which I learned is a great philosophy to live one’s life. Because works as an opaque answer to anything presented before you. It’s inherently neutral, with a finality that throws the original question back to the questioner. It gives the ‘because’ sayer as many off-ramps as possible, as they contemplate how to best come out of the situation with no harm to themselves, a life lesson one needs to know if you spend an hour in academia.
The causes and effects of the ‘because’ answer were neither negative nor positive to the person receiving your answer. Sometimes, and perhaps this comes from the Stoics, but I wouldn’t know because I only got a B- in philosophy at Berkeley, so don’t quote me as a philosophical expert. Still, maybe, just maybe, it was better to let things exist without explanation than go through a tortured semblance of a sophisticated lie or a convoluted truth. Life becomes more understandable once the answer ‘because’ becomes a vital tool in your philosophical toolbox. And why is that?
Because.
This is a world where everyone wants an answer they can toss into their outrage machines, and since our lives revolve around the endorphins that come with social media ‘likes’ and ‘reposts’ of our every thought, there hasn’t been a space for something like ‘because’ in a long while. And here I am, making ‘because’ the central thesis of my life. I’ve gotta say, I feel good about that.
Back to the concrete bench. A better question about my presence on it is not why I sat there but why the concrete bench existed in the first place. Not that I’m an existentialist—far from it. Given the available materials, one must ask why concrete?
I had theories.
From a metaphoric perspective, the concrete bench existed to help students, administrators, and faculty members understand that life is painful. And life at UCLA was particularly agonizing, so getting comfortable wasn’t in your best interest. Everyone and everything were disposable, including the knowledge being imparted to you. And as a professor, the knowledge your students half-listened to as they played games on their phones while you explained the Irish revolution or physics was as useless and effort as spitting into the wind.
The open secret that Big College doesn’t want to tell you is that society moves so quickly that the educational foundation you received during your four years is often obsolete before you move your tassel from left to right.
In my short five year experience teaching among the ivory towers, I’d learned humanity was the tiniest part of the academic design calculus. It wasn’t even part of the original hypothesis—just a happenstance of having a university filled with people. My discomfort as a human being in this academic space was a deliberate design feature by the institution, not a flaw, just as the university’s choice to create a concrete bench as a resting place was an intentional feature, not a flaw.
“Keep it moving, sonny boy. That bench will be there long after you’ve left,” was the clear institutional message I’d heard and received. I had no delusions about having a long, distinguished academic career at UCLA. I was here for a good time, not a long time.
Students leave every four years. Thanks for the tuition, sucker. Now, pay your student loan debt for the rest of your life. Administrators get laid off, retired, or fired because they’re perceived as interchangeable with the light bulbs in the office.
The faculty, even the Nobel Prize winners, with their coveted parking spots on campus? Not even their prestige protects them. The smart ones? The ones who head off to Silicon Valley as an advisor on vanity project of a student, turned venture capitalist, well, they’re well compensated with the Ms in their bank account.
They rest? They’ll eventually receive not-so-subtle emails to box their shit up and get off campus because they’re no longer valuable to the school. Tenure be damned. And while you were busy researching the attitudes of the Gullah people of South Carolina and Georgia toward the English language and the influence African languages had on America, the university secretly got the governor to change the tenure laws so that everyone at every university in the state is a de facto adjunct. Hand your ID to the security guard and cry on your way out, fella.
Sometimes, the paper trail they set up for you as a trap will force you out. Or they’ll make your job so annoying that you leave, thinking it was your idea. Terrible classroom assignments. Maintenance messes with the lock to your office, so it never closes… or opens. Little annoyances. Whatever it takes to make your daily existence intolerable. Either way, you’ll move sooner rather than later and falsely believe you’ve been in control all this time because you’ve been at the university for decades.
UCLA was just like thousands of other institutions. That bench was part of the institution, just like millions of benches on college campuses. We were all tiny bodies within the same gears that Mario Savio discussed in the ’60s, while standing on a police car on the Berkeley campus. But this time, most students aren’t protesting. They’re fatalistic. Life ain’t fair. UCLA ain’t fair. And it would be here long after we were on this planet. But as of this minute, here I am.
Because.
~
Most academics arrive on these campuses as damaged goods. Like comedians who tap into their inner unresolved pain, professors, writers, and artists often use their intelligence and talent to avoid the deep therapy we desperately need. Instead, most strive to dig deep into their petty. To get revenge against those who did them wrong by succeeding in the spaces that most thought they’d never rise, and I’m no exception.
Like anyone else, our pain was generated by the dysfunction in our good ole American family. Every psychologist since Freud has tried to blame their insecurities on the maternal figure in their lives, and for a lot of people, that’s unfair. But for me, it’s true. The saying that you can’t choose my family was never more accurate than for me.
I grew up as an involuntary loner, the only child of a single celebrity mother whom I called Mother. Not momma, mommy, memaw, or some other affectionate name, just her government-certified role.
Mother.
From the minute the doctor slapped my ass, Mother made me feel like a redheaded foster stepchild outcast. One whose monthly subsidy from the government ran out at the end of each month, and she wasn’t sure I was worth the bother if she wasn’t paid. Not saying she was as bad as Mommie Dearest, but let’s say she loved Joan Crawford movies.
Why she had me is as mysterious as the concrete bench. Did Plan B not work? Was it a need for something to love? A living replication of her DNA? My intuition tells me I was on Earth so she wouldn’t be left out of the cocktail party conversations about kids.
Yep. Just that simple.
“That’s my child,” Mother proclaimed to her party guests at one of the coveted cocktail parties she hosted monthly. We lived in a New York penthouse at the time, the stereotypical setting you see in bad Hollywood movies, where the theme is how terrible it is for characters to succumb to greed and avarice, so we spend two hours watching their depravity. That was Mother’s cocktail parties in a nutshell.
The Black intellectual class, including writers, artists, musicians, and professors, would mix and mingle with Black Hollywood types. In some ways, it was a dystopic version of the Harlem Renaissance rent party, but without the historical significance. On other nights, it would be a whites-only party of the Upper East Side elite. None of this mattered to Mother if she was the center of attention.
When Mother claimed me as ‘my child,’ it was as though she were claiming ownership of a coat from lost and found. She said it with a grand, pompous sweep, straight out of a 1930s screwball comedy, complete with a slinky silver dress and a white fox wrap.
With her ever-present extra-dry martini in one hand and a half-smoked Virginia Slim in the other, Mother put me in the middle of a circle of her guests, which to my three-year old self, felt like a football huddle with their faces looking down on me, and pointed her cigarette down at me.
Then, she’d demand the precocious little three-year-old boy with an insatiable thirst for knowledge perform an intellectual feat for her guests, a bit of intellectual entertainment, like a monkey grinder with a wind-up key who could recite Shakespeare.
“Say something smart to my friends.”
That was my cue to spell a word like pterodactyl or chrysanthemum, anything the drunk adults in the room thought was above the intelligence level of a three-year-old Black boy. Since some of the cocktail guests were professors, they’d watch, applaud and then talk among themselves about some random Harvard study they’d read in the New Yorker about how gifted Black kids weren’t truly talented, but the opposite, mentally retarded (they still used that r-word freely amongst themselves back then, but never in public. They were good liberals after all.)
Taking said Harvard study at face value, the professors would return their gaze to me and wait for me to do something, well, retarded, like piss on myself or slur my speech in a certain way for no reason, just to prove the article correct.
In the meantime, I’d stand there, unsure why these people were in our penthouse in the first place. Or why no one would pick me up like you saw adults do to little kids all the time on television. None of that mattered to Mother. She was the center of attention due to my particular intellectual skill, which was her goal. Then again, I was driven to learn these things from my nanny because if I didn’t do something interesting for Mother, she wasn’t interested in me.
Mother often got bored. With her job, men, and me. She started as a hip-hop dancer in New York, your typical b-girl from Brooklyn with the gold hoop earrings and MC Lyte mushroomed ‘do, she eventually decided to train in classical dance one summer. Six months later, she joined Alvin Ailey, where she remained a mainstay for over a decade. Eventually, that bored her, so while on a vacation in Cabo San Lucas, she discovered science from a young, disabled karaoke singer named Stephen Hawking. Yes, that Stephen Hawking.
What? You’re surprised Hawking was spitting on the mic? The man explained the union of general relativity and quantum mechanics. Do you think he can’t get his artificial voice box to sing Tears for Fears’ Everybody Wants to Rule the World? Get real. And he hits the high notes, too, just so you know.
Anyway, because Mother sang Coldplay’s Viva La Vida to the point of perfection, and a lesser extent, based on Hawking’s recommendation, Mother somehow ended up in Raytheon’s experimental skunkworks lab in El Segundo, California, where she discovered over two hundred patents on how to improve the efficiency of solar panels through an enzyme found in collard greens. Raytheon was amazed because they didn’t even have a solar panel division.
In one year.
Bored with that, she accepted a tenured position at Berkeley in the anthropology department, a subject she’d never taught or studied. But the department chair thought her brilliance so intuitive and natural that, with a few years of seasoning and perhaps working toward her bachelor’s degree, which she didn’t have since she hadn’t spent a minute in a college classroom, she’d do just fine teaching young students about Margaret Mead and the like.
It did not go that way.
Mother taught the classes but showed as much interest in anthropology as her Berkeley students did, with no interest in anthropology whatsoever.
“It was in Russia that I learned three things,” she once told her freshman anthropology class on its first day. “I learned to say, ‘I’d like a vodka for breakfast, please. Hold the tomato juice.” The Russian mafia doesn’t take kindly to being late with your extortion payments. And if you don’t mind being filmed by the Secret Service, Moscow is a paradise for threesomes. But that’s neither here nor there. Please turn to your syllabus…”
Even her devoted supporters couldn’t deny that Mother may have missed her mark as an anthropologist. Still, then again, the Berkeley anthropology department did give tenure to Dr. Vincent Sarich, a racist who believed the brains of Black people were abnormal, so therefore Black people were inferior (author’s note… real dude, look him up), so how much of a loss was hiring Mother?
But it was at Berkeley where she’d enter the American public’s imagination, not as an anthropologist, but as a writer. Mother stumbled into a career writing a series of romantic novels about the life of a pesticide salesman…as one does.
That series became a New York Times bestseller many times over, all because we had our home exterminated, and she found the process fascinating, so it became a romantic pesticide book. It made total sense, at least to her, and millions of women, as well as more than a few gay men, who loved her initial novel, Pest Side Story, and she never looked back.
Long story short, Mother succeeded at everything she did, except for being Mother. She’d bored with that task six months into the job. And, instead of staying and perfecting her role, or even learning the role in the same way she’d learned her other roles, she doled me out to the nannies she hired to feed and cart me around town.
On the road three hundred days out of the year, where she signed books and lectured on college campuses, I never spent much time with her at home throughout my childhood. However, I did see a celebrity version of her regularly on Good Morning America, Oprah, and other shows. People would plop me down in front of the boob tube and go, “Look, there’s Mother! Aren’t you proud?” In my little toddler brain, the idea of being on television and the road was associated with pain and loneliness. Therefore, Mother was associated with pain and loneliness. And she didn’t exactly do things to dissuade me from those feelings.
“Fifteen more years, and we’re officially done with him,” Mother told her friends in a long-running hack joke at every weekly cocktail party. They’d laugh from their gut, and I’d laugh too, not knowing the joke was on me.
My cynical view of life comes organically. What did I have to feel optimistic about? But I did learn one thing from the experience: that being smart was my calling card, as it put me on Mother’s radar screen, no matter how dismissive she was about my presence. And it told me an early lesson. I could shine as long as I was smart.
Mother did one thing that gave me a bit of refuge, albeit unintentionally. When she got off the road, Mother didn’t look at this as an opportunity to catch up with what she’d missed. Instead, she thought of me as being an unnecessary impediment, so she’d drop me off at the local library and let thousands of books raise me because she was too busy being famous.
“He is not to use any computer,” Mother would say to our local librarian, who at first had been befuddled by her behavior, but now, months in, were used to it, “Or watch any television. Did I make myself clear?”
“Ms. Foster, for the hundredth time, this library is not a daycare facility,” said Mrs. Anderson, the head librarian at the Biddy Mason Memorial Library. Mrs. Anderson favored the actor Esther Rolle, who possessed the same regal bearing as the actress. “And you should be ashamed of your actions. This is a brilliant boy, and you don’t appreciate that.”
Mother never even turned to acknowledge her or my supposed intelligence. The only sign she’d heard Mrs. Anderson was her dismissive goodbye wave, mother at her passive-aggressive best.
“Back at seven. Please note that the boy has allergies, so kindly refrain from feeding him anything containing peanuts. I don’t want to spend the evening in the hospital. I have a significant event to attend. One hundred guests. Hard to get an invite. And I know that Barack and Michelle will be mortified if I don’t stay the evening.”
And with that, Mother dipped.
At first, Mrs. Anderson stared at me like Mother’s cocktail party friends, puzzled about what to do with me. Finally, she’d taken me to the kids’ table, placed a few children’s books in front of me, and watched me from behind her desk.
“Now, don’t you move from that table without asking me, you hear?” she directed.
I’d nod, a sense of loneliness coursing through my little soul. But as I stared at those books, it was as though they talked back to me. “Leap, Rashford. Take the leap and read.”
And I did. I’d devour the children’s books like they were a bag of Snickers on Halloween. One book transported me to a deserted island with the Swiss Family Robinson. another had me living as a Union spy during the Civil War. I loved it because I felt like I was feeding my brain with things that would make me valuable. In my gut, I knew I was brilliant, and books made me feel like I was expanding my brilliance.
I’d look for the nearest books I could pick from a shelf without feeling Mrs. Anderson’s wrath for not following instructions to never leave my table. Suddenly, I had stacks of World Books on the table daily and was learning about everything from Addis Ababa to Zoology. I didn’t realize it, but Mrs. Anderson watched every move.
Soon, Mrs. Anderson moved me to the adult table, where she sat. Our ritual was the same each day: We stared at each other for ten seconds before Mrs. Anderson said three words.
“Come with me.”
We’d walk to a dark corner of the library, typically unused, except for the young PhD students who liked to sit on the ledge, deep in the throes of pedagogy and hegemony. Little did I know their lives would be a precursor to my own.
“This is made from the Tree of Knowledge.” Mrs. Anderson said, pointing to what I thought, even with six-year-old eyes, was an ordinary mahogany table. “It is now the Table of Knowledge.”
“What makes it special?”
Miss Anderson took my face between her hands and looked at me directly.
“Nothing. Nothing makes it special. In fact, nothing in this world is special until you make it so. But this table is magical, if you use the magic within yourself. Then it becomes special. Your brain is magic, the key to making you who you are. The more books you read, the more magic doors your brain will unlock. Understand?”
I nodded yes because I loved Mrs. Anderson. She was the only person who talked to me like she cared, and she also gave great hugs.
From that point, she started my literary life with a steady diet of post-war children’s books. These were old-school books, such as The Happy Hollisters and The Boxcar Children, written in the 1940s and 1950s, alongside Newbery award-winning books like Queenie Peavy and Rifles for Waite. I tore through the bookshelves, looking for the magic gold seal of Newbery approval on the book cover.
For years, I gobbled up whatever book she threw in front of me. The benefits extended beyond increasing my knowledge. I was suddenly the star at every lily-white private school Mother sent me to. I was the Black mascot with the intellectual party tricks, just as I’d been in those cocktail parties.
White teachers at my schools rushed to give themselves credit for my intelligence, as they were firmly in the liberal camp of nurture, overcoming what they wouldn’t say out loud, which they thought was my Black nature of underachievement.
“You’re going to do great things, Rashford,” they’d all say. It was a miracle that no one rubbed my head for luck. It was clear that in future years, they’d use me in some way to advance themselves.
“See, I was a crucial component in Rashford’s genius when I taught him his multiplication tables. So, as we can all see, I deserve that raise.”
Mrs. Anderson was different. As the years passed, the books and the lessons I learned from her became more challenging. I realized that this wasn’t just about me.
“I want you to understand how white America wants you to think about itself. Do you see yourself in these stories?”
“No.”
“Then know that they don’t want to see you in their world. They don’t want to see you in their present, past, and, most importantly, future. It’s up to you as a black boy to change that.”
Soon, it wasn’t enough to read the books, but my brain asked questions as I read. How come the books I read, the ones where white characters were the heroes, didn’t have black friends? Or live in a world where black people lived. Or how come the Black people couldn’t be the adventurers or the detectives or the heroes?
I’d dig into the front pages to read the copyright date. A 1943 version told me that there wasn’t much of an effort to make social justice a thing, but a 1959 copyright said to me that the doldrums of the mythical bucolic 1950s were falling away. The bloody faces of black children facing the rabid dogs of Bull Connor started to inform the authors and their stories.
Black characters, still written through the aspirational yet segregationist lens of white writers, started to come to the fore, with their forced and on-the-nose sense of humanity designed to assist white children traumatized by black suffering. But still, they remained white.
Very white.
“The box is of their making, and I want you to be able to see how they constructed it. It would be best if you didn’t think outside the box. It would be best if you didn’t recognize that a box exists. Don’t accept limitations imposed by others,” said Mrs. Anderson.
Mrs. Anderson added lessons through the years, but this statement would be her constant admonishment to me. My guiding light as I grew taller toward the sun.
To this day, I chant this in the morning when I wake up. And I chant this when I go to sleep at night.
Don’t recognize that the box exists.
Don’t accept limitations imposed by others.
Don’t recognize that the box exists.
Don’t accept limitations imposed by others.
White people aren’t magic.
Fame is corrosive.
The last bit was what stuck with me the most and the longest. I had firsthand knowledge that fame was corrosive. I saw it in how it corrupted Mother. I saw it in the famous people she brought around me, so I could spell subterfuge or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I saw it throughout my academic life. Fame corrodes everything from your ego to your sense of right and wrong. And that’s why I decided to avoid it for as long as possible. And beyond the because answer, maybe that’s why I chose that bench. To keep me grounded, rather than feeling the fake euphoria of fame.
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